Short Funny Stories
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Fun at The Movies
Source : Pinterest
Last week Ronnie Walsh went to the movies at the Rialto Cinema in Bristol to see "Slumdog Millionaire" but because of two women loudly chatting together who were sitting in the row in front of him, Ronnie was unable to hear the dialogue clearly.
Ronnie leaned forward and said in a stage
whisper, 'Excuse me ladies but I can't hear.'
'I should hope not,' stormed the woman, 'this is a private conversation.
Source : Funny Jokes
Lesson in Employee Relationship
Source : Pinterest
Fred Gibbs was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Steve into the office for a talk.
Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
Source : Funny Jokes
Cringey!
Source : Pinterest
My best friend and I are super weird, and whenever either of us see an attractive person we tend to take a picture of them and send it to each other, because why not?
Anyway, I was on a cruise ship with my grandparents, and I spot this super cute guy a couple years older than me. Naturally, I freak out a little, & I whip out my phone. Bare in mind I’m sat next to my grandparents in the middle of a crowded lobby.
So I open my camera, take a picture- and guess what?
THE FUCKING FLASH WAS ON, WASN’T IT?
I make eye contact with thus cute guy, look at my Grandparents who both look extremely disappointed, and a few other people are looking at me. Obviously I left the room immediately.
Source : Thought Catalog
The Three Questions
Source : Pinterest
King John was the King of England. He did not like anyone else to look ricer than himself. The Abbot of Canterbury was rich. He was enjoying luxurious life. The King did not like the Abbot. He was in great anger. He sent his soldiers to bring the Abbot. The soldiers brought him before the King. The King asked, “Who is greater? The King or an Abbot? Then how bold of you to enjoy much better than the king? You are plotting to become the King of England. It is a crime. Therefore you must die."
The Abbot was greatly frightened. He said very humbly. “Your Majesty, I have never used others’ money for my use. Is it a crime to spend my own money for my needs?"
“Yes," replied the King. Then he added, “It is a crime to live grander than the King."
The Abbot trembled in fear.
The King continued. “But I shall give you a chance to get pardon. Answer my three questions correctly to my satisfaction."
Then he gave out the three questions.
1. Tell me how much I am worth.
2. How long will it take for me to go around the world?
3. What I am thinking now?
The Abbot listened. His confusion and fear increased rapidly. He could not speak. Finally he begged for time to answer. Three weeks were given. The Abbot left the palace in a dejected mood.
On the way, he went into Oxford University and Cambridge University. He met great professors and learned men. He asked them for answers to these three questions. They were not able to find the suitable answers. He was returning home safely. On the way he met his shepherd boy.
The shepherd asked the Abbot, “Why are you looking so sad, my master?"
“My dear shepherd, the King has set three questions for me. I have to find answers to his satisfaction, or else die for plotting against the King. The questions are difficult. I have only three days more," replied the Abbot.
The shepherd said, “My Lord, let me go in your place. I shall meet the King. I shall answer the three questions to his satisfaction." Then he added, “People say I look very much like you. Therefore permit me to wear your dress. The king will not be able to find out."
The Abbot agreed.
Immediately the shepherd put on the Abbot’s dress. He exactly looked like the Abbot. He then went to meet the King.
The King had not expected the Abbot so soon. He was not able to find the difference. He said, “I am happy, Abbot. You have kept your promises. Now are ready with the answers?"
The shepherd in the Abbot’s dress replied, “Yes, Your Majesty. I shall try to answer to the best of my ability."
The King asked, “What am I worth? I am the King of England."
“Your Majesty," replied the shepherd, “according to the Bible, Jesus, the King of Heaven and Earth, was sold for thirty pence. Your worth must be one pence less. It should be twenty nine pence."
The King had a sense of humor. He started laughing. After some time, he gave out second question. “How soon can I ride around the world?"
The shepherd said, “Your Majesty, you must rise with the Sun, ride with it the whole night. In this way, you will be able to go round the world in twenty four hours."
Again the King had a merry laugh. Then he looks seriously at the shepherd. He said, “Tell me quickly. What am I thinking now?"
“Sire, you are thinking I am the Abbot. But I am not the Abbot. I am only his poor shepherd. I have come to ask pardon for the Abbot and for myself." Then he quickly removed the Abbot’s dress. Now he looked like a shepherd. He knelt down before the King for pardon.
The King was not at all angry. He started laughing. And he laughed for a long time. Finally he said, “I am pleased with your intelligence. I shall make you the Abbot."
But the shepherd said, “Your Majesty. I can not read and write. I can not become an Abbot."
The King said, “Then you shall receive a pound a week as long as you live. Go home and tell the Abbot. I have forgiven him."
Source :English for Students
Source : Pinterest
A young boy enters a barber shop... and the barber whispers to his customer, " This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, the calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son ?" The boy takes the quarter and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dolar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
Source : The Funny Beaver
Source : Pinterest
Buddy and his wife, Edna went to the state fair every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overhead the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word..
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Buddy replied, " Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
Source : The Funny Beaver
Moutholgy
Source : Pinterest
A Professor was traveling by boat. On his way he asked the sailor:
“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology?
The sailor said no to all his questions.
Professor: What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.
After a while the boat started sinking. The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology?
The professor said no.
Sailor: “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.
Source : Ren Ecosystem
Lotion boy
Source : Pinterest
The guy proceeds to slowly rub the lotion on his face as the whole class watches him in confusion.
The teacher asks him what he’s doing, and he responds with “I forgot to moisturize this morning” and puts even more on his face.
The teacher asks him to go to the hall to finish his moisturizing because he’s being a distraction, and after about 10 minutes he still hasn’t come back in, so someone opens the door to check and he’s still smearing lotion all over his face. He finally comes back in and hands the girl her lotion, and he’s used up half of it. Now people call him lotion boy.
One time in my chemistry class, while the teacher was talking, this guy asked loudly, “Does anyone have any lotion?” The teacher stopped talking as some girl gave him some hand lotion.
Source : Thought Catalogue
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod (via my earphone)
Source : Nairaland
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: "Your cat died!"
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."
Source : Nairaland
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